5 Steps of Support Through Grief and Loss.
Loss has played a significant role in my life of recent times. Three significant losses occurred at the same time for me, two and a half years ago. Prior to these events, I can say I was fortunate not to have experienced a great amount of loss or grief in my life.
Two and a half years ago, saw me support my Mum through her final days of life, my partner announce his departure on that same day and my role in the workplace change dramatically due to a restructure. I can now say I encountered a ‘clean swap of life’ in a highly emotional two week period of time. When I reflect on this time and consider where I am now situated, I can acknowledge the extreme transformative process that occurred for me and I celebrate the outcome that has resulted.
As a consequence of this transformative experience, I relish the opportunity to support others who are also suffering loss in their life. I feel I can help family members support terminally ill loved ones, I would like to offer support to people who are working through the break down of a relationship and I can offer assistance to the person who is considering a change in professional direction. My personal experiences have assisted me to learn and grow into the person I am today. I now run a private clinic where I support clients understand their social and emotional concerns around life and subsequently I have developed a process of love and acceptance that I would like to share with people during their time of loss and grief.
This five stage process replicates important stages in a time of loss which will allow the griever to transition towards the new normal by recognising changed relationships, enhanced social and emotional connections and ultimately set the path towards their dreams for the future. This therapeutic model offers connections with the two types of grief work previously noted in this paper, along with suggested rituals to support people move through the stages. Although it is not meant to be prescriptive, it can be followed in the listed order. It is very important to apply an active listen process in order to acknowledge the stage of the process, that would be of benefit.
1. Communication – This stage of the process is an opportunity to communicate the loss that has occurred. It is a time to ‘celebrate the bond and honour the relationship’ (Sas and Coman 2016), either individually or with others. As the carer, we can guide the griever to use emotional language often reducing the perceived burden caused by the loss, they feel they are carrying. Communicating shared stories of loved ones can offer great comfort to communities of mourners. It allows people to feel connected and can lead to the shared acknowledgement of emotions being felt. This may also result in a celebration of the life lost and times shared together.
The perceptiveness of the carer is important when helping those who have lost a loved one. An understanding towards ‘folk beliefs’ (Black, Santanello and Rubinstein 2014) and particularly if recognizing an afterlife needs to be considered. This is a time when encouragement towards ‘communicating with the deceased can be supportive, though only if the respondents’ beliefs’ (Black, Santanello and Rubinstein 2014) support this. Offering assistance through the ‘hope in an afterlife’, (Bronna Romanoff 1998) allows grievers to find great comfort in the passing of their loved one.
Suggested rituals can include:
· Designing a narrative where you are ‘Corroborating with others by asking questions which can include the narrative of the deceased, family beliefs surrounding death, belief in an afterlife’ (Black, Santanello and Rubinstein 2014) while acknowledging emotions.
· ‘Gathering significant possessions which are symbolic of the loss, evoke lingering feelings which can be acknowledged through the preparation of the ritual’ (Sas and Coman 2016) encouraging the emotional language around the loss to be shared during this process.
2. Divine consciousness – this stage acknowledges the connection with the Divine. This can look different to each person and it is important to listen to the griever, in order to recognise how this connection can best support them. This could result in a connection with God or a higher being, angels or spirit guides, who can offer guidance through intuition, scriptures or divine messages. For some, the idea their loved ones can share special messages through synchronicities or crypted message only they would recognise, can be enhanced particularly through the communication process that be commenced. Connection with the Divine, may offer support for an open-mindedness towards considering new possibilities. This stage can support a process of letting go; a time for ‘processing and releasing the negative feelings associated with the loss’ (Sas and Coman 2016) that may be held towards the person who has passed or the unfamiliar feelings occurring as a result.
Suggested rituals can include:
· The use of ‘natural materials such as crystals which embody a symbolic meaning’ (Sas and Coman 2016) can offer comfort, support and wisdom.
· Activities that bring about an ‘ongoing psychic connection with a deceased’ (Bronna Romanoff 1998) may be consciously acknowledged at this time. ‘The responsibility of the bereaved is to be alert to the loved one’s messages when they come.’ (Black, Santanello and Rubinstein 2014) Journaling the messages can be insightful for the person.
· Connection with scriptures or symbols which connect to the Divine can be accessed.
3. Reflection – this stage allows the griever to reflect on the loss that has occurred. It encourages the person to step away from others who are mourning and take time to see the truth for themselves, absent of others’ perspective. This is a time to ask difficult questions about life and loss allowing the initial thoughts of the path forward to commence. This should be a safe time of reflection illuminating where they aim to be heading, while still honouring the loss they have experienced. It is a time for the person to connect with unconditional love and acknowledge the growth they are experiencing. It is a time that encourages selflessness in order to identify and the ‘acknowledgement of a changed reality.’ (Bronna Romanoff 1998)
Suggested rituals can include:
· Acknowledge how they can reflect their loss into a meaningful constructive action eg: ‘plant a tree, piecing a quilt, establishing a memorial fund or building a playground in the deceased’s memory’ (Bronna Romanoff 1998).
· Manipulation of objects that signify a ‘disposal process’ (Sas and Coman 2016) allows for the old to be removed, letting go of negative emotions, which will encourage acts of self-transformation to begin.
· Collecting and creating a ‘Memory Box’ (Bronna Romanoff 1998) including symbolic or linking objects of the loss with the griever.
4. Transformation – this process is a very self-transformative stage of acceptance that allows for the acknowledgement of the change that has occurred. It brings emotional freedom, growth and new opportunities. With understanding gained from the processes to date, the griever has gained clarity through emotional awareness, stimulating a powerful healing process to occur. Releasing negative held psychic energies, with assistance from the Divine, the respondent can transpire with confidence, progressing in a forward motion. The recognition gained, as a result of the previous reflective stage, allows grievers to now let go of what may have held them back, promoting a confidence and strength moving forward.
Suggested rituals can include:
· ‘Develop metaphors of self-transformation’ (Sas and Coman 2016) allowing for the transformation from previously held beliefs towards the new reality to occur
· Meditation which allows for ‘the acknowledgement of the changed reality’ to unfold can offer comfort and clarity (Bronna Romanoff 1998)
· Develop a ‘new story’ of the projected new outcome/journey that is unfolding. This can include a new role/status which is reimagined as a result of the loss (Bronna Romanoff 1998)
5. Unconditional Love – ‘Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth.’ (Williamson 1992). This is a time to embrace yourself and the journey you have taken as a result of the loss. You are loved through this self-transformational process. Celebrate life through pure divine love for this is the ultimate outcome we aim for. Recognize the subsequent learnings and new resources with love and grace. The recognition of unconditional love from a deceased loved one, can offer ongoing support, guidance and healing. Acknowledging that ‘loss in inevitable’ (Bronna Romanoff 1998) and celebrating ’hope for the future’, we can believe in our dreams and help to manifest them through unconditional love.
Suggested rituals can include:
· Journal of love. There are many published journals available. They often include quotes or affirmations, writing prompts and reflection question prompts. They are a great way to start the journaling process, if you need direction or support. One that I particularly recommend is “Practice You – A Journal” by Elena Brower
· A prayer of love and thanks. Acknowledge the love that is in your life and the people who provide it. Also spend time writing about the love you have for yourself. Consider how amazing you are, your resilience and determination as you have moved through this process. Consider the learnings you have undertaken as a result of the loss and the new directions forward you are making. A very moving and powerful idea is to list ten things you love about yourself. For many people this is quite hard to do, so you may benefit from writing your list as if your friend is writing about you.
· Take the time for you. This is the most important ritual of all. It is hoped that it is a priority at every stage of this process. Spending time by yourself allowing your thoughts and ideas to flow, embrace the positive dialogue or find it when it disappears. Perhaps light a candle, burn an incense stick or diffuse flower essences, all of these rituals will enhance your time by yourself, promoting calm and tranquillity while allowing you to accept and love your present day.
It is not expected that you would follow these steps in any particular sequence. I believe everyone can gain some benefit from any stage of the process, at any time. Whether you are moving through ‘common, chronic, or delayed grief’ (Kelley 2010) I believe all of these stages would be beneficial to support and guide yourself or a loved one. I also believe there is no prescribed length of time for moving from one to another. It may be suitable to apply or reapply some or all of the rituals. It’s important to have a conscious awareness of your feelings and connections while applying the suggested ritual. If you feel drawn to move onto another one, enjoy the experience along the way.
Written by Bron Gowty
For more information about grief and loss, send Bron an email.
References:
Black, Helen, Holly Santanello, and Robert Rubinstein. 2014. “A Pragmatic Belief System in Family Meaning-Making After Death.” Death Studies 522-530.
Bronna Romanoff, Marion Terenzio. 1998. “Rituals and the Grieving Process.” Death Studies 697-711.
Kelley, Melissa. 2010. Grief-Contempory Theory And The Practice of Ministry. Minneapolis: Fortress Press.
Kessler, David. 2019. Finding Meaning. The Sixth Stage of Grief. London: Penguin Randon House.
MacKinley, Elizabeth. 2012. Palliative Care, Ageing and Spirituality : A Guide for Older People, Carers and Families. London: JESSICA KINGSLEY PUBLISHERS.
Nuzzolese, Francesca. 2020. “Week 3 Relational Perspectives for Grief Work.” Class lecture. Online, 12 August.
Oates, Wayne. 1997. Grief, Transition and Loss: A Pastor's Practical Guide. Philadelphia: Fortress Press.
Sas, Corina, and Alina Coman. 2016. “Designing personal grief rituals:An analysis of symbolic objects and actions.” Death Studies 558-569.
Stark, Anna. 2017. “Sacred Power Reading Cards.” Rockpool Publishing.
Williamson, Marianne. 1992. A Return to Love. London: Thorsons.