Using rituals during a time of grief and loss.
During times of loss or grief, carrying out rituals by yourself or with others can offer great comfort and support.
In our role as carer or as a friend, how can we offer support to people as they move through a process of loss? How can ‘we help them honour and attend to both the raw pain of loss and the need to move with hope and trust into the future?’ (Kelley 2010)
A very powerful way is through the design and use of rituals that suit the context and the person suffering the loss. Rituals assist in finding or making meaning of the loss allowing the person to move towards the future and a life after the loss.
What is a Ritual?
What is a ritual? Sas and Coman (2016) define rituals as ‘formalised patterns of action for constructing meaning from a personally relevant event. Ritual is a practice where objects and actions have rich layers of symbolic meaning – it could be imaginary, physical, pre-existing or newly created objects.’ Bronna Romanoff (1998) define rituals as ‘vehicles of transformation and connection’. They allow for the expression of emotions while offering healing properties which can benefit an individual’s health and wellbeing. We apply rituals throughout our day when we routinely complete a task such as folding washing or following a repetitive motion such as applying makeup. Often there is limited to no conscious awareness through the process as we have followed the ritual repeatedly.
When talking about loss, the use of ‘rituals are for capturing and processing grief emotions which are manipulated but also ritualistically created’ (Sas and Coman 2016) Transforming a routine that significantly represents the loss, can allow the griever to seek understanding and comfort during their period of adjustment.
Two Types Of Grief Work That Support Ritual Development.
Further research lead me to locate two models used for understanding grief work which gives further meaning to the support we can offer through the use of rituals. Romanoff and Terenzio (1998) talk about three dimensions grieving people work through. With a focus on bereavement, they identified the intrapsychic, psychosocial and the communal aspects of the person which play a part in supporting the grief. They are:
a) Moderation or Transformation of the persons sense of self resulting from loss
b) Mediation or Transition between the individual’s pre-death and post death social status
c) Connection with the deceased within a communal context.
Romanoff and Terenzio (1998) identified that when developing rituals, we should support each dimension, ‘serving a moderating, mediating and connecting functions with the grieving process’. They also recognised that ‘rituals that do not take such death circumstances into account cannot be effective healing agents.’ Working with the griever, it is important to understand each of these phases and to develop rituals that signify its purpose. The ritual is based on the circumstances, context and personal connection they had to the loss they are suffering, which makes the development of the ritual highly significant.
Sas and Coman (2016) identified three types of grief rituals in their research into designing personal grief rituals the benefit complicated grief. Recognizing the self-transformation and honouring stages, first referenced by Romanoff in 1998, Sas and Coman included ‘the rituals of letting go which have received less attention’ (2016) in some research models. The three types of rituals include:
a) Honouring – elicit positive emotions to celebrate the bond and honour the relationship
b) Letting Go – processing and releasing negative feelings associated with the loss
c) Self-transformation – evaluate life in order to process dreams and achievements for the time ahead
When focusing on death, Sas and Coman (2016) identify the need to continue the connection with the lost loved one, evoking a transition to a new role that results from this loss and allowing for the acknowledgement of the change in self that has resulted. They continued by recognising the therapeutic importance of rituals in grief therapy to include the use of personal possessions, communal services and symbolic objects. They recognise the ‘ritual is a practice where objects and actions have rich symbolic meaning’ (2016) to the griever and are developed with an intentional outcome.
As these two models offer many connections between each other and support various stages of grief offered by Kubler-Ross and Kessler, I can see the use of these terms as a reference point to I reflect on my own process of loss.
References:
Bronna Romanoff, Marion Terenzio. 1998. “Rituals and the Grieving Process.” Death Studies 697-711.
Kelley, Melissa. 2010. Grief-Contempory Theory And The Practice of Ministry. Minneapolis: Fortress Press.
Kessler, David. 2019. Finding Meaning. The Sixth Stage of Grief. London: Penguin Randon House.
MacKinley, Elizabeth. 2012. Palliative Care, Ageing and Spirituality : A Guide for Older People, Carers and Families. London: JESSICA KINGSLEY PUBLISHERS.
Oates, Wayne. 1997. Grief, Transition and Loss: A Pastor's Practical Guide. Philadelphia: Fortress Press.
Sas, Corina, and Alina Coman. 2016. “Designing personal grief rituals:An analysis of symbolic objects and actions.” Death Studies 558-569.
Written by Bron Gowty
For more information about grief and loss, send Bron an email.
Bron Gowty is a kinesiologist and pastoral & spiritual carer supporting grief, loss, end of life and emotional resilience.